I’ve asked some of my overweight friends what they weigh, and they all claim they haven’t weighed themselves in years.

Of course they haven’t been weighed in years. Weight is measured in pounds. Years are units of time.

Mithiwithi

I think we should all embrace how gigantic we’ve become.

We tried that. Our arms didn’t reach.

kokomo61

I’ve got a treadmill (Landice L8), that is rated to carry a 500 lb person at a 15 percent incline at 12 miles per hour… which I’d pay good money to see.

Pontius Pilates Class

The men of this website complaining about the weight of women is like a man at a buffet complaining the food sucks, but he has not even tried the food because the food keeps inching away from his fork in disgust.

kxs401

Glamour magazine finally honors fat women as beautiful too

As a fat woman, I’m getting… a plate of bacon. Then maybe some donuts.

BISON_HEAD

You know what’s bad? When a nekkid pic is SFW because it doesn’t resemble the human form.

what_now

Still no cure for obesity; oh, wait, yes there is: GO OUTSIDE

Why, is someone throwing a BBQ?

Lord_Dubu

I weigh about 400lbs. I want a smart car. Just for comedy.

pnjunction

Fighting the urge to walk over to the fat ladies waiting to take the elevator 2 floors back up to their desks and yell, “This is why you’re fat”. Am I a bad person or potential guardian angel?

I’m going to go with ‘light snack’.

Veteran of the Cola Wars

We can’t stop here… This is fat country.

Maybe Sarah Palin’s a good pilot.

Not if she got lessons from McCain.

Mykeru

This is the type of shiat that happens when you have libtards in charge. I look forward to this fall when we can Impeach Obama.

2/10 Troll Rating for your Fark handle

0/10 for the post itself

and $10 to your mom for services rendered.

uncletogie

and $10 to your mom for services rendered.

Man, I hope you got change.

Bob Dole’s Communist Doppelganger

I have trouble grasping how anyone could be so socially retarded as to act like you’re acting right now, but the internet constantly seems determined to teach me that the barrel has no bottom.

Evil Mackerel

Poor thing, she looks like drank too much pool water.

The_Six_Fingered_Man

Nice strawman you erected. Does he still need a heart from the Wizard?

Tigger

You will find that you are ridiculed a lot less if you are less of a weapons grade tardbucket.

magusdevil

I’m not ignoring you because you are challenging in any way. I’m ignoring you because you are a braying mule. I could engage you, but it would waste my time and reward you with attention.

I ignore junk mail too, it doesn’t mean that I find it confusing or challenging to my beliefs it’s just wasting my time.

tweekster

I need a million dollars. What are some ways to get this that actually work?

Start with a hundred million dollars and follow CNBC’s advice.

Mr. Chainsaw

What kind of job would be good for someone with constant diarrhea?

If it comes out your mouth, you could get your own show on Fox News.

gozar_the_destroyer

If ignorance is bliss, how does this woman speak through the continuous orgasm she must endure?

zinethar

Cynicism – what would we do without it?

Believe?

Tigger

If stupid was rape you could start as quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Algebrat

Toilet paper: over or under?

Just like your mom, subby. No matter which way she faces, she’ll always be wrapped around a pole.

birdmanesq

If you could be trusted with sharp objects, well, I’d go right out and buy you an ice cream cone.

CraicBaby

You can’t possibly comprehend the enormity of the fuck I don’t give.

MSFT

Seriously, how old are you?

Do you understand that the person you present when anonymous is probably the closest to your true self as you can get? And that you are a person who not only still calls people names, but uses words like “libtard”?

Doesn’t that make you really sad?

gr8fultom

what’s the big farkin deal?
Y’all act like this shiat is important.
go volunteer at a soup kitchen and do something worthwhile.

While I sit here and post on fark.

jst3p

You aren’t the smartest peanut in the turd, eh?

Switchblades

I’d call him a raging asshole, but my own anus has just informed me that it would prefer to not be denigrated that way. So I’m out of insults.

Fred Flintbone

/People who go “tl;dr” are trolls. God forbid you come up with a counter-argument, you pea-bra …

It’d be possible to counter if you actually made an argument. Crazy-brain rants do not an argument make. That said, I commend you; that is a feast of insanity smothered in batshiat sauce and baked to a tasty 375 degrees paranoid. Bon Appetit!

Argh_Dammit

TF is, sad to report, not the place you should go at this point. We aren’t your insurance company. We aren’t the police. We aren’t your mommy and daddy.

All we are is the place where people point and laugh at you.

phenn

here’s a tip – get a better job

A lot of servers are still in school and working towards a better job. But, if your mission in life is to be a soulless ass-banana, have at it, bro.

Mordant

The cyclists who don’t feel like taking the effort to start up again after stopping for a light or stop sign might want to consider a vehicle that doesn’t require such effort.

Or they could remember why they are out there in their stupid spandex and goofy helmets in the first place.

Knara

Hey, whaddaya know. I was just mentioning the Fark Perfect Personal Finance mangers in another thread, and here you all are.

Can ya say “Hi!” to the Fark Perfect Drivers for me? I’m not allowed in either club.

Crewmannumber6

I’ve always hated that woman. She has a really unattractive personality and a funny shaped head.

Well there are only a few perfect people in the world. Probably just you and one or two others.

Sarcastica75

Jesus crispy chicken GO OUTSIDE AND GET A HOOKER SO YOU CAN STICK IT IN SOMETHING THAT IS NOT VASELINE OR A REAL DOLL OR PIE.

napjerk

TFer wondering how he might get grease/cooking oil stains out of his clothes

They have these places now, they call them “dry washers” or “dry cleaners” or something like that. They’re new. They might be able to help you with your problem more than a website full of hostile disaffected social misfits.

CTurnerJoy

Fark is not your personal emotional douching station.

Dr.Knockboots

Look at this car I saw today [pic of expensive sports car with license plate reading "FICKOFF"]

I think he has more money than you, is more successful than you, probably better looking, and has a much better lifestyle.

Of course, he’s probably a giant douche, thus, your sensible 1998 Honda Accord, 8-5 job making 49k a year, your keen stamp collection and your inability to wear any sort of clothing that matches- makes you one of us, and by god I’d choo choo choose you over him. Can a brotha get an “amen” from the pulpit?

Ceteris Paribus

I love it when the person being an idiot isn’t me.

raneking22

I’m just a caveman. Your 150,000 word English vocabulary frightens and confuses me.

But I do know this: If you leave off the word goodbye and misuse a semi-colon in place of a colon, you should not get greenlit.

Nocens

You sound an awful lot like one of those people who annoy me.

Flash314

If stupid was made of bricks, I’m sure you would be able to pave a road to the next galaxy.

Two Dogs Farking

This article (and this headline) once again prove that the NY Post is named after its readers. All of which are as dumb as a.

kronicfeld

You are taking a bold stance in decrying a made-up position held by non-existent people in a fantasy situation you have invented. Keep on truckin’, internet warrior.

AxiomJackson

I’ve always admired how remarkably over-confident you are in your predictions, so I have to ask. Are these your own personal predictions based upon reading the book of Revelations while standing on your head and huffing paint thinner, or do you have an outside source like Nostradamus or the mumbly guy on the bus?

/Inquiring minds want to know.

jram

They aren’t the hardest dick at the orgy.

richw

This guy reminds me of a bucket of sh*t. But without the bucket.

MonkeyBoy666

You have to forgive him. He’s from Texas.

/It’s like a whole other country
//Populated by special ed students

Erik_Emune

That sonic boom? The point flying over your head.

Ihaveanevilparrot

These people are your future teachers, leaders, and guardians

I somehow doubt that poster is doing to be any of those…

Unless by leader you mean head fry cook.

natetimm

In all your time on FARK, it never occured to you that the world may have a surplus population of opinionated, philosophical windbags?

bogey

No sympathy.

Please express my condolences to your mother. I’m sure having the fruit of her loins turn out to be such a nasty little peckerwood is an endless disappointment.

CokedUpWerewolf

The woman looks like she went down to Chromosome Warehouse and filled up a goddamn shopping cart.

Agent Orange

Georgia. Florida’s inbred brother-uncle.

Malcom Tent

Nothing like being called an idiot by someone who not only refers to himself as a doofus but has the reasoning skills to back it up.

dbaggins

you’re the kind of *special* that just keeps giving and giving.

It’s like you wouldn’t even buy a clue if it was drastically reduced and had free shipping.

Uncle Karl

Did your mom drop you on your head as a baby? From a balcony maybe?

Lusiphur

You appear to be from Texas. In most other nations, that would qualify you to a lifetime of state financial support and all the glue sticks you could eat.

sigdiamond2000

Other than being wrong, irrelevant, and pointless, his post was spot on.

cerberus9

Goth: You don’t have to be fat and ugly, but it helps.

pixeled

EXCELLENT ZING. WOULD LOL AGAIN.

10.0.0.1

TFer has two identical gas cans… one with supreme gasoline, one with diesel. How do I tell the difference?

Gasoline smells like the lawnmower’s gas tank.

bulldg4life

TFer has two identical gas cans… one with supreme gasoline, one with diesel. How do I tell the difference?

How bout you go ahead and throw some masking tape on the cans and go to town with a Sharpie

drue

TFer has two identical gas cans… one with supreme gasoline, one with diesel. How do I tell the difference?

Diesel smells like a truckstop whore… gasoline smells like the stuff you use to burn her body.

The Icelander

There’s a segment of society that’s too stupid to function normally, but is smart enough to argue about it.

Perhaps God is not an asshole. Perhaps God just wanted to have his own Fark Party.

Now That’s What I Call a Taco!

I have yet to hear a single compelling reason for why humans deserve to outlive Earth. Can =/= ought.

We’ll never, ever find a better situation than what we have now. And all we do is take a steaming dump all over it.

Jaydoggy

Human rights is not a contest about who has it the worst; it’s about fighting for what’s right

Occam’s Chainsaw

I’m adult enough that I’ll vote for policies that might hurt me on the short, for the benefit of the whole f*cking nation on the long. Some of us have the ability to discuss governance in terms beyond “I ME MY ME MINE.”

bulldg4life

I’m amazed at the number of people that aren’t aware that the freedom of speech doesn’t include a freedom from consequence.

gshepnyc

Take a deep breath and remind yourself that none of your own personal pride need be at risk when a politician is mocked.

deciusmaximus

The only way one giving charity can be “scammed” is if they give with reservations or conditions. If you give freely, without condition or mental reservation you cannot be “taken advantage of”.

SpiderQueenDemon

Sometimes God sends an angel…and sometimes that angel just happens to be mildly retarded. Doesn’t make them any less effective.

arkansas

SNL is, and has always been, a big pile of muck with a diamond or two in it. We watch for those diamonds, not for the muck.

Hobo Jr.

I don’t believe thinking bad thoughts about someone matters. They’re just thoughts. I wish I crapped hundred dollar bills but I ain’t digging through my crap in anticipation.

Sensei Can You See

Here’s my advice:

Go somewhere besides TFD for relationship advice. Anywhere else. Ask Tiger Woods, or Charlie Sheen, or OJ Simpson. It’ll be safer.

manwithdaplan

I use coupons all the frigging time, and I don’t care what anybody says. I always say to myself, “Self, that money looks way better in my wallet than in their cash register”.

eggrolls

[Peppermint oil] says ‘not to be handled by children’ for the same reason there a warning on your hair dryer telling you not to use it in the shower, your drive though coffee is hot, and you’re not supposed to stick you hand into a snow blower….ever. Morans who sue for being too inept to use modern tools. The oil is perfectly fine for a responsible kid to handle, just like kids who cook, put gas in go carts or dirt bikes, or even, heaven forbid, use guns, but the mouth breather precious snowflake who stick forks in the wall will also try to drink a whole bottle of the shiat “‘cuz it tasted guuud, mommmy”, and the asshat parents will sue the company for not properly protecting their crotch spawn.

Dumbass laws to protect dumbasses will be the end of modern civilization.

Fark_Guy_Rob

If someone dies from a drug overdose…I mean…that’s kind of like someone dying in a tragic game of ‘all black, midnight, hide and go seek, in the middle of the interstate.’

Sure, it’s a little sad, but mostly you think….well, duh.

When someone who is rich, famous, exceedingly successful does it….it kind of makes you go, ‘wtf?’. I mean, I get it, if you are dirt poor and your life sucks and you can suck some dick for a hit of meth to forget the harsh reality of your life. But when you can afford things that are unfathomably out of reach for 99% of the population and free to really do absolutely anything you want….and all you can come up with is ‘get wasted’.

What’s the deal with that?

Diogenes

Confucius say: Before one can claim character assassination, one must have character.

impaler

Blaming the victim is a mechanism that cowards use to insulate themselves from the random ill fortunes reality imposes on people.

imbrial

I gave up on materialism – not that I’m noble or anything, I just got really sick of recharging shit all the time

Mentat

Flying hicks no longer bother me. I’m very Zen about these morans. Idiots are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Including planes. They will impede my progress until the day I pass onto my Great Reward. Acceptance is the first step people.

And then they’ll be holding up the line into heaven.

spqr_ca

If you feel compelled to lie in order to defend a system, you might want to consider taking a second look at the system you’re defending.

what_now

[A used bookstore]‘s not the kinda place you go to if you know what book you want, it’s the kinda place you go to if you want to see which books want to come home with you.

Shostie

Also, this is NYC. There’s a reason Kurt Russell was trying to escape from it.

RandomAxe

A good thing to know in life is this: Everything that you think is a meritocracy follows rules you don’t actually understand.

Cyno01

Is there any way to break down meth back into Sudafed? Allergies have been kicking my ass lately, seems like meth would be easier to get…

iaazathot

Personally I think golf is a hugely wasteful sport and despise it. It wastes huge amounts of water and land, promotes unhealthy standards of classism, and it’s just plain silly to chase a little white ball around acres and acres and call it important. I think it exemplifies PT Barnum on so many levels and defines why upper class people are mostly the result of inbreeding and the fortune of having family legacy.

SpiderQueenDemon

I like to think that the intersection of modern medicine and traditional midwifery, in its most perfect form, is a competent [nurse practitioner].

dionada

Trolling is what unattractive people do for attention.

things I do to my cats…

You’d have better luck trying to teach Physics to your cat

Having watched my cat negotiate various obstacle courses of various computers et cetera precariously balanced on various odd surfaces all the while chasing a moth through the air, I’d say he should be teaching ME physics

brichter

Just a note to baby boomers with nice lawns finding reasons to bitch “about the kids today”

The world you came of age in is pretty different from the one we came of age in.

Your education cost a fraction as much, you still hold all the good jobs, our nations are hundreds of billions or trillions in debt on money spent on you, the environment is fucked and the production economy has packed up and left for China.

You had the party.

We have the hangover.

Occam’s Chainsaw

As a nation, we’ve lost the knowledge that at the core of compromise lies two reasonable starting positions. We have one faction that wants prime rib for dinner and one faction that wants dogsh*t, and we’re all too willing to call half a prime rib smeared with feces “reasonable compromise”.

generalDisdain

I stole a great quote from another site: “The meek will not inherit the earth, it will be awarded to them through litigation.”

thomps

If you can’t be the silent majority, you might as well be the red-faced poop-your-pants screaming minority

D-Liver

I was thinking, what is it that makes people send money to other people that they have never met or known? Then I thought that whatever ‘it’ is, it’s what makes us human.

mccallcl

I love listening to a bunch of privileged white people gripe about how they did it all on their own, so everyone should. Some of you guys are so far up your own asses you couldn’t possibly have the perspective to judge someone else’s efforts.

1. If it was so easy for you, then why are you bragging about it?
2. If it was difficult enough for you to think you’re special, then why can’t you understand how others might not have been able to achieve what you did?

Either it was a piece of cake, in which case you’re separated from the poor by sheer luck or it was really hard, in which case you can’t possibly expect everyone to just haul themselves up to your lofty position.

You can’t have both.

maskedloser

I’ve still got job interviews and offers piling up. (I almost hope it gets worse too, much more fat can be trimmed from this hog we call the economy.)

Still even if you are stuck in a job, complaining doesn’t do any good. Get it done or quit. Whiners are annoying.

Instead of simply being happy with your good fortune, you resent others for their lack – especially if they should dare complain.

ScottMpls

I live in a feudal state with an early renaissance nascent market economy just begging to develop, so I’m really getting a kick out of these replies

Arkansas?

legrandbatard

I think a distinction should be made between hating somebody and making fun of somebody. It would be a much different world if the people in the Middle East were just making fun of one another.

kwame

catch more flies with honey than vinegar

Catch more flies with poop than honey

Pinko_Commie

I personally have a theory about school, it’s not really there to teach you useful facts, it’s to get you used to the fact that for most of your life you will have to get up every day and go to a building full of people you despise, where people you believe are know-nothing idiots constantly tell you what to do and how to do it, and that there pretty much fuck all you can do about it.

maxheck

The bill declares that “any organism with the genome of homo sapiens” is a person protected by rights granted by the North Dakota Constitution and state laws.

What amuses me is that these sorts of laws are usually proposed by the same people who think that giving gays the same rights everyone else has is “a slippery slope.”

boobsrgood

Capitalism is an economic concept, not a moral one. If capitalism defines your morality, I pity everyone who places any trust in you.

towatchoverme

When politics trump your humanity, you have badly misunderstood the nature of both.

log_jammin

I love it when people who wear suits and have a butt warmer in their car seat talk about hard work.

eleventoes

All those “Messiah complex” complaints from the right? Turns out they’re just concerned because this is the first time the Democratic Party has a candidate people are enthusiastic about

You can only have a “Messiah complex” when a bunch of people feel like they need to be saved.

Perhaps one shouldn’t run one’s country in such a way that a lot of people feel that way. Just sayin’ is all.

seventypercent

I forget who originally said this, but I’d much rather have somebody wrap themselves in the Constitution and burn the flag than wrap themselves in the flag and burn the Constitution.

Deece

You know, you don’t just get a man card for being born with a penis.

You gotta actually be a man at some point…

Barnstormer

Those who tout the virtues of personal responsibility the loudest are the very people who completely underestimate the role of luck in their own success.

djtripod

There should be a term for the specific rhetorical fallacy that insists all economic hardship is the sole fault of the one in said hardship.

It would be a corollary to the rhetorical fallacy that insists one’s good fortune is solely the result of one’s “hard work” or “intelligence.”

Headso

If you are a person that goes to trouble to make life difficult for another person based on personal decisions they make with their life that don’t effect you at all you are a piece of shit.

czarangelus

New study reconfirms that abstinence pledges don’t really accomplish much

If the only thing stopping you from fucking everything in sight is yer religion, you might be a slut.

jekxrb

Anything that involves decisions about life and death should not have those decisions based on profit margins.

Your Faith is Creepy

Terrorism is a tactic. “War on Terror” is an oxymoron. “Terrorist” is the new “Commie”: it’s just a label we slap on insurgents, revolutionaries and others that our government doesn’t like. That there is occasional overlap between the groups we reflexively apply the label to and groups to whom it properly applies means nothing (stopped clock, twice a day, etc.). Our use of stupid, overly broad labels doesn’t signify anything except our eagerness to reduce complex situations to stupid, overly broad labels.

miseducated

Welcome to the new “persecution”.

Remove: Endure actual societal ostracism, be deprived of civil rights, live with oppression that causes both physical and mental harm.

Substitute: Act like an ass, get busted, cry about it.

JB-NoHo

Tomatoes are Satan’s dingleberries.

Danger Avoid Death

Airports are so locked down you can’t be inside without a ticket.

Imagine, holding our airports to the same exacting high standards we have in, say, our movie theaters.

boobsrgood

Crime not only pays, it’s our system of government, education, and business.

cackylacky

The world’s just gonna have to save itself. There’s beers that need drinkin’.

steveo

she’s brainy and courageous. She puts her opinions out there

Putting your opinions out there is not a sign of intelligence or courage, otherwise the internet would be proof that the world is populated entirely by MENSA-quality firemen.

Brodan

Any advice for a TFer visiting Manhattan for the first time?

It’s an urban death maze and you will never find the cheese.

40oz_A_Knight

Postmodernism is synaptic diarrhea. It is finger-painting for people too stupid to put their idiotic quasi-Marxist political ideas into plain English for fear of ridicule.

DistendedPendulusFrenulum

Not making 100% good choices means you are morally deficient.

If you are morally deficient, you deserve whatever happens.

Shadooby

Livestrong bracelets

You know, you could just donate money without expecting some dopey rubber strap to wear around your wrist to show the rest of the world that you’re a dollar’s worth of concerned about any particular disease or cause…

Weaver95

Unless you’ve been there for yourself, you don’t know jack.

/been there.
//knows jack in the biblical sense.

Chick walks into a bar
Asks the bartender for a double entendre
So he gives it to her
\o/
|
/\

urbangirl

/ignoranus
//someone who’s both an idiot and an asshole

medius

I was looking at Finland for grad school.

you mean Finnishing school?

MonkeyAngst

she’s changing her name from “de Rossi” to “DeGeneres”

From Wikipedia, I see that de Rossi isn’t her real name. Amanda Rogers is. Which is a coincidence, because all she needs is Amanda Roger her. Amirite??

Satanic_Hamster

Bollocks.

Never mind those.

jbc

U.S. Senate candidate Sharron Angle’s advice to teenager raped by father and now pregnant: “Turn lemons into lemonade”

When God hands you babies, make baby back ribs.

carrion_luggage

State decrees beach lifeguard station’s upper floor must be handicapped-accessible for quadriplegic lifeguards

Never send a buoy to do a man’s job.

PJ_the_Barbarian

These threads make great poster children for the effects of satanization

When I worked in a doctor’s office I was responsible for satanizing all of the equipment. The autoclave had a portal to the dark lord in it.

Aarontology

Is Rand Paul a board-certified ophthalmologist?

Well, he’s certainly not a board certified Aarontologist. He presented his credentials, and the board found him lacking in imagination and pluck.

Lord of Allusions

I read it for the articles.

No, wait, that’s the Constitution.

DrZiffle

“Tripe”? That’s an insult to indeterminate organ meats.

jjorsett

I was told there’d be no meth.

Smell the Glove

Where did Bronson Pinchot go?

Missouri. Bronson, Missouri.

techmom

musical condoms… they have a chip, mini speaker, and motion sensor on them

Boy, would I ever be pissed OFF if that stuff detached and I ended up with a music-box.

The Southern Dandy

Some Muslims have refused to use alcohol-based hand gels

Apparently, cleanliness is not next to allahliness.

2xhelix

Who the fark is DJ AM?

DJ FM’s less musically inclined and more talkative brother.

Dr. Rosenrosen

Maybe you should go for that PhD in reading comprehension.

You can do that?! Woohoo! Soon I’ll be Dr. Dr. Rosenrosen.

Nebulious

Why are men such tools?

Personally, I’m in the middle of a sex-change procedure. So right now, I’m a retool.

Cagey B

Oh, you silly libs. You’ve been so had by this.

Everyone knows that “Tea Parties” are not what we do anymore. We abandoned that phrase after the MSM started with that puerile “teabagging” campaign. The fact that she uses that term just shows that she’s the invention of some Democrat Party bigwig, made up to make real Americans look foolish.

We have a new movement to display our displeasure with Socialism and the overburdening of the middle class with taxes. In fact, we’re planning a series of gatherings next week, the “Go Out And Tax Someone Else!” Rallies.

I only hope that my fellow Americans will use this new nomenclature instead of the slanted media’s hijacked “Tea Party” designation.

Archie Goodwin

British nurse told she’s too fat to move to New Zealand

One does not simply waddle into Mordor.

andyofne

Anyone here have an industrial piercing?

All mine have been residential, except for the one in my nose, that was considered light commercial.

Abox

the failure of the War on Drugs

I have drugs in my house but they are non-combatants

Toshiro Mifune’s Letter Opener

Subby is having bitter cup of homegrown poppy tea

POPP THREAD

lockers

How much is that in furlongs?

five dollar furlongs?

Hack Patooey

I saw a Shriner in the grocery store yesterday. I thought I knew him, so I said “I don’t know your name, but your fez is familiar.”

FireBreathingLiberal

Marijuana is a gateway drug. People smoke it and end up buying a computer in a cow box.

Alice_Liddell

Lupus is such a farking fake disease too, I’ve never seen anyone turn into a wolf.

thanks for playing

I’m crabby and mopey. Could things be worse?

You could be crappy and Moby.

CheetahOlivetti

What’s a Horlick?

Whatever you pay her to.

pfelon

I love abortions. They bring out the kid in me!

Bartleby the Scrivener

That will go over like a fart in church.

Pew.

DslainteC

I like to eat a bowl of Kraft Dinner while watching some opera or ballet. There’s nothing better than a little arts & Kraft.

kingMountain

TF Medical Types: I am slated for a ton of tests, including an “ENG”. Anybody ever had this done?

I’ve had a Chang, but never an Eng. though I hear the two are connected.

kingMountain

Is anyone else here at SoonerCon?

I’m at LaterCon, it starts in a few hours.

blameitonchemo

I’m down to my last few hourse before my Total Fark runs out. Is there anything I need to know before I go?

Learn how to spell whores.

gruelurks

Air pump price at my local gas station went from 25¢ to 75¢ and no free tokens for customers. How much does it cost to ship air these days?

That’s inflation for you.

phlegmmo

California Activists plan constitutional amendment to define marriage in the traditional way. No word on how many cows will be legally required per wife bought

Arguments have already been herd.

phlegmmo

Bishop drunk? That’s a floggin’.

LeopardLady

A two-mile stretch of Tennessee highway has been adopted by “Drew Curtis’ TotalFark UFIA.”

…wouldn’t that make this the Hershey Highway?

yotta

The excrement will impact the rotary air circulator

Roook

Do you have any nervous ticks?

Once I started taking my meds I guess it got into my bloodstream and the ticks are much more relaxed now.

The crabs are still basket cases though.

KoolerThanJesus

Everyone knows what the leper said to the prostitute right?

Keep the tip.

Chuck Wagon

Mary Nichols learned getting her 17-year-old granddaughter Mercades out of jail would now take serious money.

Did they mean to name her Mercedes, and just missed?

I bet she has a brother named Romex.

Bill_Wick’s_Friend

Man loses 140 pounds eating SIX cans of baked beans per day.

If what I learned in elementary school is correct, that’s very good for his heart.

NeverDrunk23

8th grader charged with felony after putting crumbled peanut butter cookies in another kid’s lunchbox

Peanut Butter Jaily Time.

CreamFilling

Three quick thinking heroes save a woman’s life in Walgreens using OJ and sugar

Who would have ever thought that OJ would save a woman’s life?

RodneyToady

“It made me feel like I’m dumb,” she says.

Maybe just happy?

Timdesuyo

It seems like only stupid are breeding

Actually, I’ve travelled, and I’ve discovered something of that sort.

/ You know… I’ve been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding.
//Sorry.
///You’ll be trying to get that out of your head all day now.

Sure… things may suck heinously and be getting ever-worse for quite a large and ever-growing segment of our population, but one man can still theoretically make eleventy-hundred thousand yogabagabazillion, and that one man could theoretically be you, American citizen… so suck on that Europe!

Sure, it’s vastly VASTLY VASTLY VASTLY more likely that you’ll get cancer at 52 and be dropped by your insurance carrier, lose your house and all of your savings, die a withered skeleton, and leave your family with nothing to show for all your years of work except a well-used colostomy bag and some urine-soaked sheets…

But if you wanna win big, you’ve got to be willing to lose big!

I mean it’s not like Europe has rich people, right? Unrestrained American-style Thunderdome capitalism is the only way anyone in the world can ever achieve wealth or success.

Big Dave

I think we can all agree that when someone crosses an imaginary line on a map, they immediately lose their status as “human being” and become an “illegal”

Once you take away their humanity you don’t have to care how they’re treated! Hell, just shoot them in the head, I don’t give a fark.

Makes everything nice and simple that way.

CitizenTed

America: where ruthless corporate sociopaths engage desperate, uneducated drones to sell cheap junk to fat morons, fulfilling a satanic pact with a distant communist dictatorship.

toonz

Utah senator wants to outlaw “Happy Holidays” from retail marketing

This Jihad on the Semantics of Pleasantries sure makes us look like an advanced nation…

Bomb Head Mohammed

School administrator forces student to take off American flag shirt because of a dress code violation.

RULES ARE RULES especially when things like wearing your trousers too low or other darkie things are involved. ADMINISTRATORS ARE PINHEADS if they try to enforce rules that prevent god-fearing republicans from literally wrapping themselves in the flag.

indefensible

Your little prison colony is doing well these days.

*sigh*

It’s always Americans who wheel out the convict thing as though it’s bad when little more than 130 years ago you guys thought it was neat to keep people as pets, and 600,000 of you had to die to change the practice.

jshine

“rights” are an artificial concept, not a decree from heaven.

If you are an American, then you fail.

/our founding documents, let me show you them

The Icelander

“rights” are an artificial concept, not a decree from heaven

And people thought I was crazy to attach electrical generators to the corpses of Washington, Jefferson and Franklin!

Githerax

I think before it was called “The American Dream” it was called “feudalism”.

doesnotexist

Some people believe as long as it benefits America, it’s the right thing to do. These people are myopic, unprincipled assholes.

equusdc

This country was founded upon the principles of hard work and determination.

No, this country was founded on theft, exploitation, usury, slavery and murder, expansionist war and genocide.

a large angry dinosaur

I totally understand why terrorists want to kill Americans. We’re, for the most part, fat, lazy, immoral retards. Of course, most Middle-Eastern people are nuts, but at least they’re motivated.

phaseolus

Somebody remind me why we bothered fighting and winning the cold war again, when the sons of the cold warriors try their best to give us one-party rule? Was there some lofty ideal we were fighting for, or was it just because our flag’s prettier?

Somacandra

Buddhist monks protesting the Catholic South Vietnamese government in 1963 knew how to put on a fricken’ protest.

It makes the American “pro-lifers” and their sycophantic fetalphiliacs look like a buncha candyasses.

PirateFreedom

I know it is constitutionally banned that Americans ever pull their heads out of their asses and notice the rest of the world

tc.rowell

Thank god people keep telling me we live in a free country, otherwise I don’t think I’d be able to tell.

eabod

Man… sometimes I want to give America a big hug. Like when we hear that the world is running low on rice and our first thought is, “Better buy up as much as we can!” Ahhh… sweet sweet lovable America. We don’t even LIKE rice! We just want to have that option. Somewhere in the world, people are starving, but waddaya gonna do?

RobTheNerd

So can we, you know, start this revolution now? Maybe? Please?

elbandito

What was America’s contribution to WW1?

We brought dessert. Perhaps you remember it? It was a delightful pastry.

Ishkur

The truth is everyone is taught from a very young age to believe that they can achieve The American Dream. And they are fed anecdotal accounts and rags-to-riches stories in the media all their lives to reinforce this belief.

But the truth is to really achieve The American Dream, you absolutely must have the following things:

1) A Hardworking work ethic, combined with a single-minded persistence and determination toward success so rabid it looks almost like obsessive-compulsive disorder.
2) An ungodly amount of natural talent and creativity.
3) Financial stability. Not rich, mind you, but rich enough to pursue your dreams without having (lack of) money or economic status ever get in the way of realizing them.
4) And you must have a little luck thrown your way every now and then.

This rules out the vast majority of Americans today, who quite simply aren’t good enough, aren’t smart enough, aren’t hardworking enough, aren’t comfortably wealthy enough and aren’t lucky enough to achieve the power of their dreams, or even believe in them.

For most people, this realization comes early on, and so they resign to themselves the fact that they will never be popular, wealthy or successful to any degree of merit or worthiness.

The rest of the population, however, will seek The American Dream in the only two ways left that don’t require any of the above: Gambling and Litigation.

I_C_Weener

Way to go submitter, you killed the United States

Smellvin

Hawaii wants to secede from the union.

Cut ‘em off at the pass and give them to Mexico as punishment.

Here in the South the ‘intellectual elite’ are those who can count past 11 without taking their shoes off.

macadamnut

Indiana. Like the South, but without the fine education system and history of racial tolerance.

buggzz

Welcome to Alabama

Please set your clocks back 30 years.

Elmo Jones

Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Wolfmanjames

Why is there no CSI West Virginia?

Dental records are useless and all the DNA is the same.

CelebrityPharmacist

There is a different mentality once you cross the Mason-Dixon line. That’s why Darwin spends so much time there.

NikolaiFarkoff

I bit into a Charleston Chew expecting antebellum homes and women in large skirts, but instead I lost some bridge work.

dionada

I work on Springdale

Clearly you need to work harder.

granolasteak

Aside from NOT being in your profile…

You can remedy the profile thing. Have you tried living in NC, SC, AR, or OK? Or perhaps being pithier?

Let me think…live in the armpit of America, or tell you to bite me?

Bite me.

pixeled

Talking about Arkansas…my (at the time) 3 yr. old daughter, GF and I were heading to visit her parents in Hot Springs. My daughter asked, very seriously, “Dad…are there bathrooms in Arkansas?”

don’t keep us in suspense..

… are there?

McFifenstein

NASCAR actually stands for Non-Athletic Sports Centered Around Rednecks.

I Said

Have you been to Arkansas?

I think I was there once. I was at a Taco Bell and there was a door in the back. I walked through and it was a bathroom with shiat stains everywhere and a dead rat’s head poking out of the radiator.

I think that room was Arkansas.

Would you ever date a smoker?

No, never. My wife would go ballistic if I did.

vincent_blackshadow

Smokemitter wonders how on earth people stay focused when they’re high, it seems much easier to maintain after drinks than after a bowl

you may have your vices versa’d there, chief…

Crosma

Our world today: smokers derided for doing something bad for their health while people who drink alcohol pat themselves on the back for doing something bad for their health.

michykeen

My biggest deterrent to quitting smoking is the fear that I will become a self-righteous non-smoker.

Gecko Gingrich

Why should I have to come home smelling like an ashtray, when I wasn’t the one smoking?

I have also lobbied the state government to make the landfills smell better. Why should I come home smelling like trash when it isn’t even my refuse I stepped in at the dump while searching for lost treasure?

technicolor-misfit

Man, I’m not even a smoker and I’m so sick of all these whiny histrionic melodramatic turds…

There’s seriously something very very wrong with you.

I’m normally a peaceful guy, but I really wish you would all just die.

You’re examples of the very worst in humanity and you’re fucking destroying the country.

I was with you with the smoking sections. I was with you on the restaurant and workplace bans. You started to lose me at the bars… but now it’s just some overzealous fucking campaign of torment, because you’re so certain you’re going to “win!!!”

It’s just fucking with people because you think you can, and a part of me really hopes that at least once… somebody gets fed up enough to put two in somebody’s head. And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it does happen.

This is the same kind of shit that leads to workplace shootings…

It’s just tormenting people for the thrill of power that it gives you.

That shit causes people to snap when they don’t have any other recourse.

You’re horrible, horrible, petty, vicious, small fucking people.

I’d hit it like a bug hits a windshield. Bang, splat, over in an instant.

Dumb-Ass-Monkey

morning sex or afternoon delight?

start at 11:59, finish up at 12:01

that way it’s both!

Adolf_Hilton

I would like to ejaculate in or on this female, or while looking at a photograph of her.

dahmers love zombie

I played “show me” with one of my female cousins once. That was my first view of a spread beaver. We were really damn young, but it was kind of cool at the time.

She later became teen pregnant.

You must have come REALLY hard.

MaxxLarge

Say, there. She’s physically attractive. I have a sneaking suspicion I’d enjoy engaging the act of sexual intercourse with her.

I don’t follow, what are you trying to say?

Apologies, I should be more specific.

What I’m getting at is that my initial impressions of her potential as a breeding partner are extremely favorable. To wit: her facial features have a pleasing symmetry, her hair seems healthy and strong, and her skin appears to be parasite-free. In addition, her sexually-mature physique has developed to a degree that a cursory application of my visual sense indicates a near-ideal 0.7 bust-hip-waist ratio, likely denoting an ability to both bear and feed multiple offspring.

The act of observing these external indicators causes a base and involuntary biological reaction within my body, one common to the male-gendered specimens of my species. Specifically: my limbic neurological cortex instructs my endocrine system to flood the appropriate synaptic receptors with dopamine, endorphins and testosterone, thereby creating a feeling of well-being, and an intense erotic arousal of the libido during the moments when she appears in my available field of vision.

The end result is a strong, if illogical desire to perform an act that’s likely logistically-impossible (due to the dual constraints of distance, and her presumed lack of availability): Locating the female whose secondary sexual characteristics have produced this chemical reaction, and engaging in the act of physical sexual intercourse with her. This, in order to satiate the demands of the aforementioned biological reproductive impulse that has evolved among homo sapiens as a construct which ensures continued perpetuation of the species via the forward passage of the individual base-pair amino acids comprising the double-helix structure of a given individuals particular deoxyribonucleic acid genetic-matter chain (see: Watson/Crick, 1953).

I’d totally wear a rubber, though.

Biness

That’s great, but theres no ass-fucking in it.

Just like my marriage

drjekel_mrhyde

I knew a dyke once till she wanted to stick a dildo up my anus

LlamaGirl

You raise an interesting point. What do atheists yell out while in the throes of ecstasy?

Hooray?

Lampmonster

Playboy is evil. By the time they get done with a pic you’re pretty much looking at a photoshop. Might as well jerk it to anime. Not that some of you don’t.

bugmn99

Half the fun of throwing your cock down a mystery hole is wondering what it’s going to look like when you get it back.

Dusk-You-n-Me

See, this is why I kill women after sleeping with them.

Haha, just kidding. They’re already dead by then.

soze

Sex is a filthy, dirty, sinful act.

And that is the way it is supposed to be, dammit. If he doesn’t have lube behind his balls by the time you’re done with him, you aren’t done with him.

mayerbecca

What the hell does “Age of Consent” even mean? Regardless of whether she’s sixteen or twenty six, and even if the sex was consensual, she can still scream “rape” on your ass the second you piss her off

Is this thread about fucking kids or lying skanks? i need to know which hat to wear.

DieselChick

What the hell does “Age of Consent” even mean? Regardless of whether she’s sixteen or twenty six, and even if the sex was consensual, she can still scream “rape” on your ass the second you piss her off

I’ve cried rape before. Hell, I’ve screamed rape before. But it wasn’t the safe word, so it didn’t really matter.

Smell the Glove

Neighbors keep waking me up with their a.m. sexing. What’s a creative way I can annoy them back?

Every time they have loud sex play Yakety Sax on 11. After a couple of times they’ll figure out it’s no coincidence and either stop or think it’s funny and keep it up. If they stop great, you win. If they continue just imagine them trying to keep up to Yakety Sax and you still win.

Shiat talking Mushrooms

I can’t simply watch people break the law.

Ugh, I’m the exact same way. This one time, I saw this white girl being raped by a black guy. It was awful. He walked into the laundromat, punched her in the face, grabbed her by the hair, as she’s bleeding and crying, pushed her face down onto the washing machine, and then started ass-fucking her. It was so goddamn violent it was unreal. After about 30 seconds of this, I just felt sick to my stomach, but I realized that the hotel had already charged my credit card for this, so I might as well beat off to it.

Smell the Glove

What should a woman do if she loses a small personal massager? You know… down there?

The thing I love about TF right now is there is a gay dude giving how-to-stimulate-a-vagina techniques and out there somewhere are other dudes paying very close attention just in case they ever get near one.

Lampmonster

I can’t come in to work today, I’m sick.

You don’t sound sick.

I just got done fucking my sister.

You sick bastard, see you Monday.

ROFLWAFFLE

The Fleshlight is referenced in this movie a few times, and I’m here to tell you that the Fleshlight is WORTH IT!

Can it work like a regular flash light? What I really want to know is, if there’s a power outage, can you turn that thing on and just fuck it to safety?

baby dinosaurs

What do you think of first-date sex?

What is the arbitrary amount of dinners and bad movies and watered-down drinks and forced small talk we need before we can do what we both came here for?

brap

At the Olive Garden (A playlet in four lines)

Management: Dear god you sick bastage, what are the hell are you doing masturbating in the walk-in cooler?

Juiceppi: Ima pumping nutmilk fora my bambino!

Management: You don’t have a baby.

Juiceppi: Indeed, but from whadda I understand this isa important ingredient!

Blues_X

New bill would let cops seize your car if they suspect you of cruising around looking for a prostitute

Drive a rental car to get your rental poon.

Problem solved.

Blueintheballs

Ive been thinking about Kate Winslet and now I’m off to touch the hull of the Titanic.

foil helmet guy

Yes, she is a very pretty woman… But she has zero personality, always appears to be scowling (or forcing a smile), and has all the charisma of a tire.

I don’t want to stick my cock in her personality

wee

Louise enjoys having casual sex with people she meets on the internet.

Vaginal warts: Studded for his pleasure.

Wanebo

Tfer is getting ready for his first date ever. Don’t want to look like a n00b. How does wine work?

Not as well as roofies.

amo

I’m 20, she’s 19. Been dating for 5+ years. She might be pregnant. Both are worried. Advice/Snark?

It seems to me, subby, you have four options:

Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?

Relatively Obscure

Put down the Maxim and enjoy what real life gives you.

A hangover, herpes and shame?

bronyaur1

The four secrets of amazing sex

Sex is a lot like playing bridge: you either need a good partner or a good hand.

we_hates

It’s somewhat true with men, but with women especially, sex doesn’t start with the sex, it doesn’t start with foreplay, it starts way earlier. If you’re not doing your shit as a man, it’s a turnoff. If you’re playing a videogame while she’s working her ass off, it’s a turnoff. If you’re acting like a whiny biatch becuase you’re insecure about the fact that she talked to a male friend, it’s a turnoff.

It’s not quite that way if you’re a man because the penis is just too independent. You might think to yourself, so now after being a biatch all day she wants some action, well fuck that, I ain’t gonna play that – Goddammit, dick, don’t you have any principles?

Yanks_RSJ

Condoms are 100% effective, especially when being used by teenage boys who can’t even figure out how to wear a baseball cap properly.

BunkoSquad

Kinda like women vote with their vaginas in 92 and 96?

I paid $40 to see that in Thailand a few years ago.

MikeMc

…Macoontil…

I obviously forgot to space between “mac” and “until”. I’m not sure triple cheese coont would be too tasty.

rodeofrog

Anyone who objects to eating cheese rendered with animal fats can buy kosher cheese (look for a U inside a circle.)

The clitoris?

offacue

Sarah Palin

I’d hit it.

_{Dear Secret Service, in using the term hit, I mean that I would engage in sexual intercourse with her if and only if she was a willing participant.}

nopokerface

Also, sex is like pizza! Anyone know why??

It’s better if it’s greasy?

/kidding
//it’s because you can have either delivered

RustyBulletHole

You may laugh and make comments on how I have to pay for sex….

But I’m really just paying for them to leave.

Cerebral Ballsy

today’s pharmacist-denying-birth-control story comes to you from…

Seriously, is this sh*t ever pulled for people who take Viagra? Because if there’s one thing I’m morally against it’s old people having sex.

Ishidan

669? Ah, the sexual position of the Beast.

palladiate

fucking choke the moron out of them until they just fucking keel over like the fucking classless douchebag assholes they are.

Dude, I had a girlfriend do that for my birthday once.

Dr. Picklebacon

That applause coming from your pants is called the clap.

notwearingawire

(I can’t really meet the kind of man I am interested in even if I were to go out to bars after work – the guys I like don’t seem to cruise chicks in bars. I want a man… a fellow geek… who gets all shy when I sit down next to him in a cafe and strike up a conversation about the book he is reading – let’s say “A Game of Thrones” for instance – or I catch his eye with my horrible habit of quoting Monty Python everywhere or pulling my GBA out of its special pocket on the front of my purse… and he goes “whoa!” And we geek out about our Oblivion and WoW characters and get all giddy talking about Starcraft and then a few sessions of that halting introspection/confession between geeks who have found a kindred spirit of the opposite sex and they lay themselves bare like they’re in therapy, which may lead to a few tears, some whispered secrets, holding, comforting, here that shirt looks uncomfortable, let me get it off, oh god naked flesh let me taste it, and – though the timetable and method varies – this eventually leads to BLESSED HOLY RIGHTEOUS HOT F*CKING MONKEY SEX.)

tin_man

Who the hell had good sex in high school, anyway?

Boys.

frickinsweet

Boys.

I’m talking about, like, with another person.

Deveyn

No love for the anus?

Sorry dude… there’s just too much hair down there. It’s like trying to shove my dick through a screen door.

Theaetetus

You don’t need to be attracted to your partner, as proven by the fact that I have no romantic interest in my hand.

theorellior

There was an article on Salon.com some months back about the company that makes RealDolls. They do custom jobs, although one founder recalled the time that they had to turn down a request for a canine RealDoll. He quoted the customer as saying, “I love my dogs, I don’t want to hurt them no more.”

Ochiba

kinda faped

Is that like non-consensual masturbation?

ChubbyTiger

Well, how do ALL porn movies end?

Curled up in the fetal position crying quietly in a dark room?

Roook

Tfarker gave blood today

I’ll admit, the only reason I really do it because it’s the best chance I have getting my DNA in a girl.

Hyperbolic Hyperbole

Vasectomy is tomorrow, what should be my parting words to my sperm?

Dude. Jack off as much as you can before you go in tomorrow. FREEZE THOSE BABIES. You never know when they’ll come in handy, because they’re never going to come in your handy ever again.

SeekerRex

Vasectomy is tomorrow, what should be my parting words to my sperm?

Wear a tuxedo because if you are going to be impotent you better look impotant

dionada

In my experience, if the man is doing it right, I don’t need KY. Might need a shop vac tho.

Hi-five, sister.

The right guy can do it for me with a random dirty text message. The wrong one can’t with his tongue, both hands, and a Craftsman-series power tool.

aba

Treating people’s lives and health as a for-profit venture is morally reprehensible.

So is anal sex. People still do it though

Heamer

Because birth control never fails.

Right.

Ding!

Happened to me. No matter what you do, there’s always a chance that your precautions will fail. To quote Dr. Ian Malcolm, “Life finds a way.”

Yeah, I quoted Jurassic Park. Suck my dick.

At least you won’t get pregnant that way.

jghiloni

it was just a huge flopping, flaccid disappointment.

Wow. Now I am too.

Spanky McLapdance

\Rubber consultant… Is that like a condom Maitre D’ ?
\\With this frothy blonde sir, I recommend the ribbed organic rubber with hypoallergenic spermicide lubricant.

THE_WIZ

In Colorado, you can marry yourselves. You don’t even need witnesses.

I married myself, but there were witnesses. It was a big to-do and cost me $2,575, plus additional court costs and 2 years probation.

/Helpful hint: Never consummate your marriage to yourself on the subway.

abagdan

Unlike some people, I am kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and then have the Goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.

medius

pornography is the paper towel masturbators use to keep god out of their corn flakes

/wait, what?

Frosted Flake

If one examines the dialectic paradigm of discourse, one is faced with a choice: either accept precultural narrative or conclude that context comes from communication. The rubicon, and some would say the stasis, of patriarchialist materialism depicted in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is also evident in Sex, although in a more mythopoetical sense. Plus it was the early 80s and I was as randy as a goat. We made love like rabid amped-up weasels, or perhaps that was just an old vinyl beanbag chair left on the verge of the motorway. Court documents favour the later explanation.”

thamike

If I only had 5 weeks to live, I’d publicly masturbate daily, and I wouldn’t even wear the gorilla mask anymore.

technicolor-misfit

You could SOOOO drop a GHB in my drink any time… In fact, you could totally skip the GHB and just, I don’t know… drop a Flintstones vitamin in there or something.

chucknasty

How is taking an unconscious person to your house and throwing them on your couch ‘helping’ them?

I have taken home a few drunk people and I consider myself ‘helpful’.

\also: it’s spelled c-r-o-t-c-h.

IdBeCrazyIf

Got a name for me?

Based on your Playgirl spread, we have all decided we’re going to go with Tripod

Dude… you seriously got caught checking out her rack? That’s like entry level man shiat. How long have you had a penis?

Hell, even when I breastfed I was smart enough to look my mom in the eyes. Granted, I was 15 at the time.

Roman Fyseek

I have my own tux. I was tired of thinking about other men’s balls being in my rental.

Stay Cool Babylon

Why can’t people keep their willies out of holes?

If you had one, you wouldn’t ask

maxheck

I can only hope that one day I am well-respected and famous enough that I can wreck my entire career through the use of my weener.

/not many opportunities for that in IT.

Chief_Otto_Parts

does your gun make you feel like a real man?

No, but my gigantic package does.

Xed Ping

God, you must be so tough.

I bet he eats a bowlful of nails and motor oil each morning for breakfast.

*grunt* YEAH! I’M A MAN! WITH A BOAT! YEAH! *grunt*

sleeps in trees

Folks on the African continent and the Middle East have a tendency to enslave and or kill off minorities (race, religion, etc). In many African countries they do this by raping the minority women and killing off or maiming the men.

So, you’re going to get killed or maimed and I’m going to get laid by a black man.

I don’t see the problem.

ciocia

Every woman falls somewhere on the Female Craziness Continuum.

Yeah, because men are perfectly rational. About jealousy, about money, about the size of their peckers. At least, on your planet.

ajax6677

Personally I would like to see his a larger distance between him and his testicles.

mayberebecca

I’ve decided to stop dating self-absorbed losers. I’ll let you know how it works. Alone. From my deathbed.

So in your world, there are two spheres of political thought:

You’d make a great Taliban footsoldier.

So in your world, there are two spheres of thought regarding the Tea Party:

1. love them
2. Taliban footsoldier

You’d make a great cart-wrangler at Safeway.

serial_crusher

Jesus tittyfarking Christ, you cannot possibly be this stupid.

There’s no credible historical or Biblical evidence that Jesus ever actually tittyfarked anybody, much less did it enough to earn it as a middle name.

kindpastor

Each member of that family should serve a day in jail for every dollar spent to rescue the daughter.

Problem solved.

A day in jail costs taxpayers roughly $60. So you are proposing multiplying the cost to taxpayers 60 times over, and then declaring the problem solved. Are you a senator or something?

Sid_6.7

and you’re welcome to eat shit

I’ll pass. Get back to me when you learn to serve anything else.

Obdicut

No accountability or if you get it, someone gets canned for being senile and sent off to Gorky Park.

Gorky Park is a really cool and fun place to visit.

When randomly invoking Scary Soviet names, make sure you’re not actually referring to a place filled with amusement parks and ice skating.

TonyDanza

Putting a prize ribbon on “The biggest pile of shiat” doesn’t make it any less a pile of shiat.

What color is your ribbon?

Caulfield

[Prejudice against the obese] is still prejudice. It is the exact same mindset as a racist or a homophobe. Look at it this way. If you are a Jew and someone is anti-Semitic, they can say, “That Jew doesn’t have to be a Jew. They can change their religion.” What you are saying to justify your position is just as retarded.

Before someone says my statement is prejudiced against retarded people, I am using retarded in the technical way. A prejudiced person is socially retarded.

If you equate a continuing a centuries-old belief system to having the back of your neck look like a pack of weenies simply because you have no self-control, then you are retarded. And by retarded I mean not in any technical sense, but in a purely un-PC and pejorative means of comparing you to someone who doesn’t have the mental facilities to cut his own meat at the dinner table.

timoteo2

There’s a ton of stupid on Fark this morning

And you’ve added about 1,999 pounds of it.

Donald_McRonald

Your connection to reality is rather tenuous, isn’t it?

I believe the word you’re looking for is hilarious.

Standard Deviant

I’m exercising but I’m still fat. What should I do?

Get in your sleigh and start delivering presents, fat ass.

Mordant

The low-hanging grapes are especially good today.

Good news for those of you who don’t walk upright, less need to evolve.

frenchcheesemuseum

you have a body of water named after you?

Yeah. Don’t you live by Littledick Canal?

MikeyFrigginK

“The best thing about my Hummer is that when I need to change lanes, I just go. They can move.”

The best thing about having a small dick is that you’ll never get it caught in your zipper.

Bender The Offender

either that was some serious cancer, or she had absolutely awful doctors.. and both the insurance agencies and widower need to sue them.

Of course, SUE, that’s the only answer for fuckwit idiots like yourself who aren’t smart enough to understand the disease processes behind aggressive cancers. Maybe certain carcinomas can kill you in 6 weeks? Maybe some can mask their symptoms until it’s too late and it’s already metastasized?

Honestly, as a societal cancer, I expected you to have a better understanding of your microscopic brethren.

Marla Singer’s Laundry

[article about obese mother feeding her children fast food]

Welfare at work. And to think this is what Farkers want in America… Sad.

You’re kind of a tub-of-lard too. I remember your picture with your Detroit crapmobile where you oh-so-courageously blanked out your face…but not your rolls of sebaceous discharge wrapped in skin.

Just because I am built like a football player

You may be built like one…carbon, protein and amino acids…but you’re shaped like Oprah.

someonelse

How come dissention is no longer the greatest form of patriotism?

Because that’s not a word.

MorrisBird

Wow, you can smell the hate

Where? He who smelt it, dealt it.

DiscoInferiorityComplex

EAST STREET HERE I COME.

East Street. Where the streets are paved with golf.

lumber_of_the_beast

Pseudo. the word you were looking for is pseudo

And the word you were looking for is prefix.

amazing_live_seamonkeys

This is why I don’t own a television. While you all suck on the glass teat I’d rather do something useful with my time.

Like arguing with strangers on the internet?

kyuzokai

If a parent brought their child to my door dressed as a geisha, I’d probably take them aside and explain what that meant.

What… she might become a talented dancer, musician, and singer, as well as an accomplished conversationalist who can pour drinks with poise and style, and do it all while making drunk, power-hungry businessmen feel like they deserve their inflated egos?

dave2198

It’s amazing how piss poor some people manage money. I shop at Sam’s for a lot of staples (T.P., bottled water, frozen chicken breasts, etc.)

wait… what?

You want to rant about how people manage money poorly, and you consider bottled water to be a necessity?

Stop talking.

Aesop’s Squeeze

yawn

That must be really difficult, being totally disinterested in a discussion, and yet forcing yourself to engage in the discussion, in order to show everyone how above the fray that you are.

William Shakesbeer

I have no respect for anyone whose job it is to walk around public areas and harass people.

Says the guy working in a cell-phone store.

Nabb1

Another person dead that I never met and is irrelevant to my life. I’m sure his family are sad, but I could give two shiats.

Well, thanks for taking time out of your busy day to share those thoughts with us despite not giving two shiats. That’s a pretty big sacrifice and I just wanted to make sure you know that it’s appreciated.